Sunday, March 8, 2009

Happy sad

Production week is here again. It's like hell week to college students and putting the issue to bed for editors. For us dancers, it's our do or die week. Not completely confident of your solo? Sorry, you're going onstage tonight. 

This is the time when dancers do their most complaining. The wait in between runs are soooooo long... Dinner break is too short... Why is one dance blocking longer than it should?... Is THIS our costume?... The lights are too bright... the stage is too dark... 

Despite the complaints, this is also the time when magical things happen. I've seen magic happen onstage and off.  In La Rev, I was inspired by the handful of former BP members who came out of retirement to help pull the current dancers together. It felt good to see some relief in Agnes' face after we gave our best to give justice to her masterpiece. In New Beginnings, I felt myself and other dancers make a break through in our dancing. I felt dancers truly connect and work things out when injury started to take down key dancers. I saw maturity and grace make its contribution to the group. In Coppelia, I witnessed Candice push herself like never before to give the performance of her life. After days of not getting the timing right, there was one performance when the orchestra played perfectly in tune and in time with us.

Sadly I won't be performing with the company in Neo Filipino, but the reason for this is a very happy moment in my life: I'm pregnant with my first child. 

Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm ready. I wish I could have at least finished the season and performed as Tadtarin in Amada, a BP classic. I wish I could have continued the progress I've been making with my dancing. I could have spent a few more months just enjoying the company of my co-dancers, who are my dearest and most respected friends. Maybe just a few more months of living life the way I know it. 

On the other hand, I've been wanting to have a child for quite some time now. I adore my sisters' children. My husband and I want to have kids, and can't see life any other way.  This is indeed a joy and a blessing. There's no other time to have it but on the time it is given. And the time is NOW.

It's ok to miss this production and all the productions of next season (waaah!); I'm having my own production. And despite all my complaints (I get tired so easily... I feel dizzy again), something magical and wonderful is happening inside my belly, which is not flat and strong anymore. Hay. But that's ok. I'm carrying a child in me... another human being... a little boy (Roger Tony Stark D. Bautista) or a little girl (which Jamie hopes will be an easier introduction to parenthood). 

Wow. Life is changing. But I won't have it any other way.